Wednesday, January 10
An Inconvenient Truth Remix
Will // 1/10/2007 12:34:00 PM
Tuesday, January 21
back at school again. and today was the first day of classes... except i didn't have any. and the teachers didn't let us know. yea, i knew i should've stayed in my room.
anyways, not having any classes to occupy my time with, i've been thinking... and sometimes, i just wish things were different. and i wish i were different. well, i'm not exactly complaining... i realize i don't have a right to complain, nor will that change anything. i'm just... considering the alternate possibilities.
i guess situational things are more superficial... not much to ponder over. things are the way things are. and there really isn't anything i can do. stuff like... family situations, family's health, location, etc etc.
but personally... i think a lot about how i could be different... and how things would be better as a result. primarily, i need to change my goals. goals... meaning, life goal. the life goal being what i'm REALLY living for, and striving for. not what i say i am, not what i pretend i'm going for, and not what i want to be living for. what my real goal is at this very moment is pretty disturbing i think. and my pursuing of this goal is steadily and increasingly throwing my life into disarray.
now, i know what my life goal SHOULD be. i've known it all along. and i've read enough over this past winter break to confirm it in my mind, beyond a shadow of a doubt. but i guess the key word is "in my mind." it isn't in my heart. God isn't at the center of my heart. i can't honestly say i'm giving my all for God's glory because of my being sidetracked. the scary thing is... even my desire that God be my center might be tainted, because it is part of my pursuit of this other goal. so messed up... i'm so very messed up.
so i suppose it's fitting that i got the chance to read "the ragamuffin gospel" late sunday night. thank goodness it just happened to be lying on the table as i sat awake that night. it's reassuring in a way, because i know now (or i should say know better now) that even if i didn't have this.. challenge, i would still never be close to being right with God. i was in fact being rather arrogant and thinking too lowly of God in thinking that, "oh if only i didn't have this problem, all would be good." it was as if i were saying that God's grace isn't good enough for me now... that i must make myself better to be deserving of what he can give me, that changing this can actually buy or earn me more of God's favor. but no, God's grace is more than sufficient for me now.
so i'm just yet another beaten, poor, pitiful ragamuffin with a hopeless dream. but God's grace doesn't mean i can keep clutching to this goal of mine. i know i can't rid myself of it alone... but if God is everything he says he is, i know he can and will help me shoulder this burden. but for now, it's as if he's showing me how reliant i am, how needy i am... as if he's saying to me, "so if you can put all this thought, diligence, and effort into this misguided goal, just imagine if you put it in the right place.... "
Will // 1/21/2003 11:36:00 PM
Saturday, January 18
yao ming needs to upgrade those guns. but otherwise he's looking good.
so i just finished this book, "tuesdays with morrie" by mitch albom, that my mom told me to read. why she recommended this book.. i have no idea. so the background is that this student had this really good prof in college, and one day hears on the news that his former teacher is dying. and when he goes to visit, they end up talking and decide to have a final "class" together concerning the professor's life philosophies and views. and the final paper is this book. aww.. kinda touching right? unfortunately... i don't have much to say for the contents of this book.
i don't want to seem overly harsh nor judgemental... but to be blunt, the book was filled with misinformation. i can't say this book was useless... because it was interesting to see another person's views and thoughts, especially along the last stretch of their life. there were many a nice sounding adage, but no sound logic or reasoning backing them. plenty of feel-good sayings but no explanation nor support for his doctrine. it was noted that he was raised under judaism, but embraced buddhism and christianity.. a "religious mutt" with words that transcend all religious differences. hmm... now i have a big problem with that claim. pluralism, especially with religion, just doesn't work. most religions are clearly contradictory among their doctrine.
hm, i guess i should note that i'm reading "the case for christ" simultaneously... and i found it interesting that while both books are by award-winning journalists, their implications on life are radically different. granted, the purpose, immediate subject matter, and angle are totally different, but both books are ultimately addressing the all important question of what we're living for.
so as "the case for christ" was objective, "tuesdays with morrie" was very subjective. this professor, morrie, from this account, seemed to be a real people-pleaser, despite his urging to forget what culture says, to make your own culture that satisfies yourself. to say that you can ignore culture is completely nonsensical. culture defines what we do. culture makes up a lot of who we are. without culture, there would be no structure for society. without culture, every human that is born will need to create, on his own, the standards by which to interact with one another. culture is the foundation upon which we build ourselves.
to say that we can forget the culture around us and create our own sounds suspiciously relativistic. and relativism just doesn't logically make sense. it seems that this ideology of creating our own cultures is an attempt to be radical to gain attention.
i couldn't help but get the impression that this was a lonely man who just desperately wanted to be heard... not that this was any fault of his. this would be a natural reaction by all who knowingly approach death, i'm sure. but this is yet another of many contradictions... he still held the buddhist belief that one must detach from the world, detach from emotions. so where is this detachment amidst his longing for constant company?
it makes me sad to realize that there are probably many many people like this morrie... people who are lost in their own ideas and ideology, without being solidly grounded in truth. by nature, people are just ignorant... unfortunately.
as for me, there is much more i need to think about, and a whole lot more out there that i need to learn and know. but i am thankful that, by God's grace, i do know the meaning of this life. and i know i need to do more to spread his truth. but knowledge is just the first step... now going out there and acting on the knowledge... that's the hard part.
Will // 1/18/2003 03:34:00 AM
Tuesday, January 14
so i've been thinking... why are we, as humans, so dependant on other humans? why must we be such social beings? wouldn't it be so much easier if we were just self-dependant, or independent? i'm not saying this because i don't appreciate my family or friends. i care about them a lot. but given that i've been stuck here in california with nobody i know around me for 2 weeks, this dependant nature we have is proving to be much greater a liability.
i guess it's kinda silly for me to wonder about that, but having an excess of time sitting by myself always makes me question things i usually wouldn't question. i suppose i know why we are the way we are... it's just that i feel that in certain conditions (such as the present one for me), it'd be easier if people were different. or at least i wish i were different. i've noticed how my level of happiness is almost entirely dependant on my interactions with people. and most of the time, the "people" can be narrowed down to a select few.
yup, i think i'm all too easily influenced by others. i care too much about what people think of me. i guess that's good sometimes, cuz it kinda keeps me aware of what others want... but overall, i worry too much. maybe i need to build a bigger wall around myself. yeeah...
hm.. i've also been thinking about parents. this was inspired by a conversation about how funny parents can be. funny... cuz they do many of the same things we, as kids do. but giving that some thought, that's hardly surprising. as we get older, the age gap between us and our parents grows proportionally less and less. pretty soon, we ourselves are approaching the age of parenthood. but not only that... i think that people just don't change much. we are like how we were when we were little kids. we probably have similar values, similar personality characteristics, and similar thought processes... albeit we have more to draw upon now, hence we are the same but with more wisdom. the same can be said of parents relating to when they were our age as well.
so now, i'm beginning to see more and more what parents hafta go through. it doesn't necessarily mean i understand my parents more; but i do understand more of where they're coming from.
it's interesting how people age and mature... and i'm not talking physically. it's like people keep on adding layers of experience and time, yet their core, their shape remains the same. as people grow up, they are capable of drawing on more wisdom, yet their underlying identities remain unchanged. i guess an oversimplified analogy is that parents are super-smart kids.
hmm... now that's a scary thought.
Will // 1/14/2003 10:04:00 PM
Sunday, January 12
wow. so i just finished making my webpage. more or less.
prolly my most extensive effort ever. this webpage took me a whole freakin week to make!! and it took a couple hours per day. quite sad huh? all my past attempts only took 1 day to code and stuff. this is the mother of all [my] webpages. hopefully i'll be updating this, rather than letting it die off. after all, i put so much time into it.
yeah... i have too much time on my hands. but hey, there's nothing else for me to do in CA anyways. and i'm getting some reading done. and some bball. so hopefully it's alright.... although i must admit i've been getting rather obsessive over this project.
ok, anyway... i was skimming my old entries on this thing. and man... i couldn't help thinking "what's wrong with this kid? he sounds so bitter!" haha... well, i guess we all grow and learn more as we get older. and it's really interesting to look back and see how faithful God is. wowie...
hopefully by this time next year, i will have grown even more.
Will // 1/12/2003 01:53:00 AM
Monday, December 30
too many people on xanga.
i feel like i should withdraw.
less xangaing and IMing.
Will // 12/30/2002 01:35:00 PM
Wednesday, June 12
i need an analogy... hm. i feel like i'm at war with myself. every thought, every feeling, every belief i have is in conflict with another. even as i write this, i'm not so sure what's going to come out. i am certain of nothing. i don't know what to think. i can't claim to know anything anymore. i don't know what triggered this and i'm not sure when this started. i feel so dazed. what the heck... this is freaking me out.
so for the past few months, or for as long as i can remember, all my weeks/days are exactly the same as the previous ones. and with nothing to discern between them, i don't remember much of what happened. i guess it wasn't anything important. every freakin day is a drag. school... eh, it was just school. then the first couple weeks or whatever of summer, i sat around doing nothing. and now that i've been working for... a week now?... well, everything's the same. i guess work is keeping me occupied and i'm making money, but that's all still rather inconsequential.
so is there anything that does matter? i don't have an answer to that question. i doubt i can say "no" with absolute certainty.. but that's what i'm leaning towards. i mean nothing i do, school, work, whatever... none of that really means anything to me. sure, they're nice opportunities and all... but what does it matter?
so i've always thought that the only things that really matter are people, and building relationships with people. but now, it seems that i'm not even sure of that anymore. i guess i'm just starting to not care. trying to keep in touch, IMing, and whatever is seeming more and more like a burden or obligation. i'd prolly feel kinda bad if i stopped talking to people all together, but i'm sure i'd get over it. i think. ugh.. i dunno anymore. but right now, making/maintaining relationships doesn't seem to make sense to me. i would hafta give up so much of myself, make myself vulnerable for something that's so uncertain and unstable. i mean.. why should i bother? i've been losing ppl all my life....prolly the one thing i'm good at. logically, this sociable tendency of people doesn't make that much sense, right? but i guess ppl's emotions are what keeps them clinging to each other. so i suppose that's what is dying in me. every day it seems that i'm feeling more and more devoid of emotion. i think i'm all too close to becoming a sequestered hermit.
probably at some point in my recent past, i would say our faith or God matters. but as i think about what i see or have seen around me, i can no longer say that with complete conviction. i've heard many say christianity or religion is just a crutch for people to lean on. i wish i could say otherwise, but for most cases, i believe that's true. i know i shouldn't judge or assume, but i don't think i'm completely wrong... from what i've seen, it seems most ppl just go to church for their weekly or bi-weekly dose of spirituality. so as for recent experiences, i guess from the churches i've visited since i came to CA, i'm getting this overwhelming impression that their 45 minutes to 1 hour of service was centered more for the convenience of those who go. they're just a quick, entertaining weekend show before people recontinue their miserable, superficial lives. seeing this can't be good for someone like me... who learns primarily through personal observation. i guess that's one of my faults because that only gives a rather short-sighted view of reality. but that's just how i am i suppose.
or perhaps i'm just trying to make excuses to not care about anything because it's just easier that way. i can't really say for certain right now, but i wouldn't be surprised if that's what i've been subconsciously doing.
whatever... i kinda hope this feeling.. or absence of feeling is just temporary. if not, that would just suck. and that's not a life i would wanna be living.
Will // 6/12/2002 03:04:00 AM
Saturday, June 1
yeah, so i've probably remodeled this blog more often than i actually post in it. at least i've been somewhat writing in my xanga site. =P well, i guess it's just that much easier to post superficial stuff about events, etc. than it is to write down my thoughts. yeah, so i've tried to separate the focus of the 2 journal sites. xanga is more events-oriented (and also online quizzes =D ) while this blogger is supposed to be more about what i'm thinking. i suppose this isn't much less superficial from my perspective, considering i never tell the whole story...
anyways, i guess why i haven't been writing down my thoughts as much is because i haven't really been thinking anything. but that's not true. lots have been going through my head, but i'm not making a conscious effort to go through my thoughts, pull some out, and develop them further. so in this case, i just don't have much recollection of what i've been thinking.... and that's for the best, cuz i always think myself into a depression or something when i have too much time by myself. and right now, i have a LOT of time by myself. hm, interesting... i'm thinking through part of my thought process.
i won't have a lot of time by myself for much longer. starting monday, i'll have my first "real" job. none of this tutoring/teaching/checking hmwk or selling knives. as much as i do looooove selling knives... =P so i'll be working at this small startup called glaukos (not to be confused w/the greek sea god). and as the name suggests, they're a company that deals w/glaucoma. so basically, all 8 of them are developing this implant for glaucoma (primary open angle) patients that will help relieve pressure within the eye. hey, i'm more than 10% of the company. ; )
yeah... i'm kinda scared? well, not really. i think i'm just considering the possibilities of the near future... and it might be like this. right now, i'm gonna be working 35 hour weeks. that's quite close to the typical 40 hr. week that i might be faced with after college. i'm really having doubts that i can handle doing the same thing, for some 8+ hours a day, for the rest of my working days. i know it's not all about me... but i need some change, some excitement. it seems that my interests can vary rather rapidly, so i need to do different things to keep myself interested. well, it looks like i have 3, 4 years to grow up. and i guess that's what i'm scared of: will i be ready for the "real world"? and if i am, what does it matter?
i'm suspecting that this "real world" i perceive doesn't really exist, though. it seems that many people have this notion that we're all in protective bubbles throughout our educational journey, being prepared before being thrust out, ejected into the world. but what if this "real world" is really an even smaller, more limiting bubble? or what if we are merely creating bubbles for ourselves, hindered by our very limited vision? well, i'm sure that at least the latter is true.
so my thoughts are becoming more random and sporadic now. i think this is a good time to end. =P but for me, everything seems so surreal now. want to know what's been going through my head? i'm having dozens of different short-term and long-term scenarios of the future running through my head. *sigh* doesn't seem likely that i'll ever get what i want...
does this mean that i should stop hoping and dreaming?
Will // 6/01/2002 02:50:00 PM
Wednesday, May 22
hm, i don't even know what day it is today... oh wait. i just watched smallville so it must be tuesday...or early wednesday. yeah, so that's how my summer break has been. i can't even say how long it's been so far. each day runs into the next and i can't even tell what i did each day... not that there's much to tell. it seems as if each day consists of a lil webpage testing/trials, a little reading, some running, some tv, and that's it. a perfectly mind-numbing, time-wasting, meaningless existence. perfect. i am feeling rather sarcastic tonight.
so i have yet to see what this summer has to offer. i don't think i like it here in california all that much. partly is because of the environment. i've prolly mentioned this before... but this place seems quite materialistic. the 5 huge shopping malls within 20 minutes of my house are evidence of this. maybe materialistic isn't the best word... it certainly applies, but i think it's just one of the characteristics of being very image-oriented or superficial. i hate to be critical of churches... but i feel i can't keep myself from criticism this time. so i went to this korean church this past sunday to try it out. i've been to my parents' church, but there aren't any college aged ppl. so anyways, something about this church bothers me. it seems that they are trying too hard to be unconventional, to be nonconformist. i mean, their welcoming screen said "newsong church; this ain't yo momma's church." hm... am i the only person who sees something wrong with that? i guess i am not one who should be judging the intent/focus of such a church... but i do find it questionable. i can't really tell if they're serving God, or catering to the convenience and desires of the people of this community. i know, as christians, we're supposed to reach out... but that isn't the end goal. ah well... unless someone clarifies this for me, i suppose that this isn't the right place for me... even if most of the asian college student community attends that church.
so yeah.. why do i always feel out of place? i've never really felt like i belonged anywhere. gosh, i hope this moving around thing will end soon... but somehow i just doubt it. especially since i'll be out looking for a job a few years from now. scariness. sometimes i just don't see myself fitting into this world. i'm way to idealistic at times. i've been learning to expand my vision/awareness... but i'm not liking what i see. so let's see... i was uprooted out of my high school in naperville in the middle of soph year and transplanted into holmdel. now that was an awkward experience... moving int he middle of the school year. and just as i was starting to feel at home in NJ, my family decided to move to our present location in CA. i guess i should consider UIUC to be my home... but that doesn't really count. getting to know all these new people at school was nice and all, but at times like this.... i'm still alone. my family's not even around all that much. and things could get tough for my family too...
so my dad's scheduled to get eye surgery tomorrow... a lens replacement because he has cataracts in one eye. normally a fairly low-risk operation. but things don't ever seem to go smoothly. so my dad has an abnormal eye shape, which makes things complicated. not only that... but he has weak retinas, which means a higher risk of retinal detachment. he already suffered a retina detachment in one eye, meaning he can't really see with it ... so if things dont' go well.... yeah... lotsa things could change for our family. all that there's left to do is hope and pray i suppose....
i dont' know what to say about this summer... i guess i'm not liking it. it's so hard to keep in touch with people. IM is pretty unsatisfying... and i feel like i'm losing everyone i ever knew. *sigh* i hate feeling alone. and right now.... i am feeling quite alone.
Will // 5/22/2002 04:40:00 AM
Friday, May 17
so it's been a week since school officially ended for me. took my last final last thursday. slept only a few hours those last days of school. and even now, i'm beginning to forget it all. yeah, i know my memory stinks. but what makes my recollection of the past school year even worse is the fact that i was looking the other way while the year passed me by. some of you prolly know what i mean.
it seems so not very long ago since i started college. and before that, it wasn't so very long ago that i started thinking about college for the first time during senior year. and before that, it wasn't so long ago that i moved from one bubble in IL to another in holmdel, NJ. but the truth is, none of it feels real.
i've been meaning to sum up the past year in college, but now i realize i can't. i've heard people say that going to college was the most fun they've had. sure, i've had fun times since i've been there... but it just seems all too forgetable to me. no, i didnt' have a bad experience... it's not that. i enjoyed meeting new people and i liked learning new things. but i don't feel that i've really been changed. i keep trying to learn more, do more, and be more. but now i see that underneath it all, the harder i try, the more i stay the same.
i used to think that finally graduating high school and going to college would be an amazing achievement, a life-changing step. but it's not. i suppose i've been thoroughly disappointed. college is no bright pinnacle. all it is is yet another stepping stone on the way to a career, on the way to the "real world," and on the way to the future. right now, i just see it as yet another process we must undergo. of course there's some adage that says something like we hafta see not only the destination, but the journey. but i suppose i have my eyes fixed elsewhere.
i can't say i missed much though. my days felt like endless cycles of class, "playing" while putting off work, and then scrambling to study/do hwmk. my weeks consisted of getting behind throughout the course of the week, catching up on weekends, and the cycle begins the next monday... and if i'm unlucky, i'll have an exam or 2 to deal with, along with everything.
so what if i graduate college? so what if i find a good job? of course i'm aiming for those. but if one were to acheive those, would anyone be satisfied with only that? i think not...
and i don't know where i'm going with this. i guess i'm just saying i'm not so easily satisfied as before. or maybe i'm just deciding to stop pretending.