Tuesday, April 23
MY GOSH!! these past few weeks really sucked. i think it was about 4 weeks of exams... following spring break and the 6 weeks of exam prior to that. this whole semester feels like a big fat exam. blahhh... well, this weekend i had an MP that was due at midnight on sunday. there was also special praise... where we had to meet for 4 hours on saturday and then at 9 in the morning on saturday before 12:30 service. so that was 7 hours on sunday. and what made things worse was the fact that my math exam wasn't on wednesday, as i had previously thought. it was actually on monday!! err.. earlier today. yeaah. the only thing i can say is... gosh, i'm so relieved it's all over for now... i get like a week and a half before FINALS start.... blah.
this year is passing to quickly... i can't believe it.. my first year of college will be over in 2,3 weeks. my mind is in shock... i think i'll write more later.
ok, so there's something that's kinda been bothering me. this whole stupid AF asian tshirt controversy. my gosh... people are so freakin ignorant (do i say gosh too much?). and i'm not talking about the people who made the shirts. ok, fine. maybe they weren't in the best taste, but i fail to see evidence of hatred or cruelty behind them. honestly... i don't understand why so many ppl are so riled up about some humorous tshirts.. and yes, i think some of them are pretty clever. so let's see... apparently asians across the country are angered by this, from california to massachusetts. ok, fine... it's nice that all these people are united in something... but over tshirts?? c'mon. give me a break. this almost makes me kinda mad. ok fine, it doesn't. it just doesn't make sense to me.
so why are all these people mad? i mean think about it... are there ANY asian-americans in america that wear the big rice-paddy hats depicted in the picture? how can they be offended by something so obviously false? are they mad because it damages their "asian pride"? what if an asian made those shirts? then all of them would just think it's a great idea. and if they're so concerned about their "asian-ness," why don't they show this kind of support for their "home" countries? after all, 2/3 of the world's impoverished reside in asia... where's this asian pride and group effort for awareness now? why all this support for banning tshirts, but so little urgency for helping the problems in asia? there are all these college protests, yet is there even half this effort put towards reaching out and educating people about the lack of human rights in china? the overwhelming prevelance of poverty? are people so arrogant and blind to think that issues that dont' directly affect them are insignificant? ok, so i, myself, have not really done much yet... and i must admit to being fairly ignorant of many of the things that are going on overseas. but i suppose my main problem is that many of these people's priorities aren't quite right.
so what are these people really protesting? they want to feel they're actually "doing" something? they want to be looked up to by the asian community? self-empowerment? fear of being mocked and not getting the respect they think they deserve? well, these are all pretty selfish reasons. and it just goes to show how prideful asian culture really is. there's this tremendous pressure for kids to perform well at school, to excel in music, to work hard, to get a good job (i.e. engineer, doctor, lawyer, etc.). these things aren't bad at all.. they are quite good. however, what is the motive behind them? of course parents want their children to be the best they can be, but there is a degree of selfishness in there. they want to gain the respect of other asian parents as well. too much pride can be suffocating and can strangle the life out of selflessniss and unselfish love. perhaps what asians need is a dose of humility... something everyone can use.
so what should a concerned asian do at this point? honestly, i think we should try and get ourselves one of those shirts cuz i want one now. ok, that sounds irresponsible. hmm... what if AF sold those asian shirts but said profits would go to aid the poor in asia? i wonder whether the prideful nature of asian americans would win out over a genuine desire to support asia. that would discern whether "asian pride" is really "asian selfishness."
stupid human nature. without it, the world would be a better place.
i wish people could try harder to fight it.
Will // 4/23/2002 02:08:00 AM
Saturday, April 20
so i was right in my last journal entry. there was something i was missing, something that i was overlooking. i can't say it was a new idea, merely something that i hadn't thought too deeply into. it's strange how i missed it, considering that it has been the center of attention for the past couple weeks.
what is this that i'm talking about? i'm referring to the ultimate goal of this thing called christianity. no wonder it's been feeling rather fruitless and repetitive. no wonder it feels like something doesn't quite match up. let me explain.
so for the past month or so, ever since i "set" my major to be mechanical engineering w/a bioengineering concentration, i've been trying to think ahead a few years or so. and most likely, once i get out of school, i can either get a job or consider staying for grad school. either way, i should be able to find a stable, well-paying job as an engineer. i'd buy a house, get married, have kids, etc etc. and i'd live a comfortable, contented life right? i don't think so. i would hardly be content if that's all my life is to become. i'm afraid this might come out bad... but it seems too simple, too idyllic, too "easy." that would just seem so meaningless. no, i'm not saying getting married and having kids is meaningless.... but life can't possibly be about living each day as a repetitious loop, with every week being a carbon copy of the week before. and it's not.
so earlier tonight (dang it's late now) i went to InterVarsity large group because my old youth group leader, joseph tsang, was invited to speak there. it's weird considering the last time he saw me was when i was in jr high... o man... that was such a looong time ago. haha... anyways, he gave a really good message about the ultimate goal of christianity. what is this goal? this is what many people think (and i thought this too): christianity is all about having a personal relationship with God, and we should seek him because he died for us on the cross. or something like that. well, this isn't wrong... just... rather incomplete. it's a very selfish view of christianity, with us gaining so much for relatively little. but i suppose much of this is due to the existentialistic thinking of our society today. everything is so self-centered, with too much being based on one's own desires, one's own experiences, and one's own expectations. human nature is selfishness and it is this selfishness that overwhelmingly drives our society today.
so what, then, is the real goal of christianity? if the focus isn't so much on our own personal relationship, then what is it? joseph said we must concentrate more on the poor. after all, if all Jesus came down for was to die, why did he need a full 33 years here? he didn't only come to die, but to build his kingdom by serving the poor and needy. and that's what we must do as well. to only seek for a "personal relationship with God" is a rather infantile stage of christian life, and i must admit that it's where i am right now.
we are all in a bubble here in the united states. we are all too well insulated from the problems and poverty of the world, and even the problems within our own country. we have too much, and do too little. and yet we wonder why the impoverished nations hate us. are we showing any love? definitely not enough to make a difference, considering the state of the world today. i'm not saying we can each suddenly create world peace, but are you doing anything about it? am i doing anything about it. i dont' think i would be wrong to answer "no."
so now i must ask myself, why do i do the things that i do? i guess my answer now is to create opportunities where i can serve. not that it's going to be easy, and not that i'll be able to do it all the time... but at least i have a clearer goal. and i have a reason.
so here's something to consider: are you deceiving yourself by thinking "if God sends me, i'll go"? as christians we are sent already. the great commission says "Go and make disciples of all nations." all there is to ask is "where is God sending me?" and that's what i'm trying to figure out now....
Will // 4/20/2002 05:11:00 AM
Sunday, April 14
so last night was the special missions night at large group where a few missionaries give their testimonies and describe how they're doing God's work around the world. i must say that it was an enlightening experience, but my own future and direction has been clouded even more.
i've always respected people who do missionary work. it's so amazing to me how they can trust God so completely and follow his will rather than their own goals and ambitions. it's amazing partly because i doubt i could ever have the same commitment. and it's amazing because that's the only "career" that actually means anything to me. how can there be anything better than to go out and help people get what they need?
as of now, i am to become a mechanical engineer with a concentration in bioengineering. i can't say that's absolutely meaningless, because i'm sure it will benefit some people if i follow through with it. but then, i must question my motives. why am i in engineering instead of say... art, graphics design, industrial design, or (as many people suggest) architecture? my interests and abilities lean more towards those areas rather than in math and science. sure, i'm pretty confident that i will be able to succeed in engineering, but why am i doing it? unfortunately, the first motives that come to mind are rather superficial: respect and money. so does that mean i should switch out? should i drop engineering and pursue something that i feel is more personally worthwhile... say missions work? that may be an extreme example to me, but even so, the answer is unclear. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life.
of course, prayer is a simple course of action. however, i lack the faith to completely entrust my future to God. or more accurately, i don't want to give up my future to God. i still want to hang on to what little i have. i don't know why i continue to do this... within the past weeks, i've experienced life while striving for God and also rejecting God. i still lack discipline and my life is just erratic...
and this so called "life" perplexes me. although it is hard, it seems so simple.... am i missing something? i don't doubt that i am....
Will // 4/14/2002 03:39:00 AM
Thursday, April 11
things can go from good to bad to worse rather quickly. and exams pile up just as fast.
so as my school year is coming to an end, i'm wondering if i've really changed. well, sure i've learned a lot. i've opened my mind more. i've experienced more. i've gathered more facts. i've learned to think more clearly. yet even through all this, i dont' feel like i've moved from where i started. i have the same weaknesses, the same problems, and the same worries. of course i cannot expect these to magically disappear just by coming to college, but i suppose i was hoping i'd be able to deal with them better. perhaps i can... but if anything, i am only more aware of what's wrong and more uncertain of what i should do.
and exams definitely don't help. as of now, i'm in the middle of a 4 week streak of exams. and perhaps it will grow even longer. argh.
i am not liking this. i am not liking this one bit.
blah.
Will // 4/11/2002 08:33:00 PM
Monday, April 1
easter was good. perhaps that was an understatement. easter is a great day... for many reasons.
it was also the most time i've ever spent at church in one day. there was a 5:00 sunrise service and then a 5 hour service starting at 12:30. and every moment was worth it. the messages in both services were good, but i dont' think that's what made the day special. i was kind of reluctant to go to the sunrise service actually, and i wasn't really expecting much. for a while now, God has been more of a concept within my head, rather than a friend in my heart. well, i guess yesterday he revived my heart.
what i really liked yesterday were the testimonies given by the 20+ peopel that were baptised in the afternoon service. i felt that it was through those people that God was speaking to me. although each story was unique, i found that i could relate to every one of them in some aspects of their lives and challenges. by now, their words have blended together and their stories are muddled in my head, but the underlying message through them remains clear: we need God in our lives. there is one testimony i still remember... there was a visiting professor from japan and it was clear that he barely had a grasp of english. in spite of this, he was still able to receive God's message of love and grace through the songs of praise during church. as i sat there listening, it was as if my tears and theirs washed away the wall that i had built between me and God.
it's amazing how God encourages at just the right times cuz i felt like i've been slipping down for the past weeks. i know things are still far from perfect. things don't just change overnight. i have been sorely tested as of late, and i still have yet to resolve my conflict of priorities. however, i now have a renewed desire to continue pushing.
all i can say is: my God can save anyone. my God can save at any time. my God can save in any condition. my God can save in any situation. my God can save without any human agent. and my God saved me.