Wednesday, May 22
hm, i don't even know what day it is today... oh wait. i just watched smallville so it must be tuesday...or early wednesday. yeah, so that's how my summer break has been. i can't even say how long it's been so far. each day runs into the next and i can't even tell what i did each day... not that there's much to tell. it seems as if each day consists of a lil webpage testing/trials, a little reading, some running, some tv, and that's it. a perfectly mind-numbing, time-wasting, meaningless existence. perfect. i am feeling rather sarcastic tonight.
so i have yet to see what this summer has to offer. i don't think i like it here in california all that much. partly is because of the environment. i've prolly mentioned this before... but this place seems quite materialistic. the 5 huge shopping malls within 20 minutes of my house are evidence of this. maybe materialistic isn't the best word... it certainly applies, but i think it's just one of the characteristics of being very image-oriented or superficial. i hate to be critical of churches... but i feel i can't keep myself from criticism this time. so i went to this korean church this past sunday to try it out. i've been to my parents' church, but there aren't any college aged ppl. so anyways, something about this church bothers me. it seems that they are trying too hard to be unconventional, to be nonconformist. i mean, their welcoming screen said "newsong church; this ain't yo momma's church." hm... am i the only person who sees something wrong with that? i guess i am not one who should be judging the intent/focus of such a church... but i do find it questionable. i can't really tell if they're serving God, or catering to the convenience and desires of the people of this community. i know, as christians, we're supposed to reach out... but that isn't the end goal. ah well... unless someone clarifies this for me, i suppose that this isn't the right place for me... even if most of the asian college student community attends that church.
so yeah.. why do i always feel out of place? i've never really felt like i belonged anywhere. gosh, i hope this moving around thing will end soon... but somehow i just doubt it. especially since i'll be out looking for a job a few years from now. scariness. sometimes i just don't see myself fitting into this world. i'm way to idealistic at times. i've been learning to expand my vision/awareness... but i'm not liking what i see. so let's see... i was uprooted out of my high school in naperville in the middle of soph year and transplanted into holmdel. now that was an awkward experience... moving int he middle of the school year. and just as i was starting to feel at home in NJ, my family decided to move to our present location in CA. i guess i should consider UIUC to be my home... but that doesn't really count. getting to know all these new people at school was nice and all, but at times like this.... i'm still alone. my family's not even around all that much. and things could get tough for my family too...
so my dad's scheduled to get eye surgery tomorrow... a lens replacement because he has cataracts in one eye. normally a fairly low-risk operation. but things don't ever seem to go smoothly. so my dad has an abnormal eye shape, which makes things complicated. not only that... but he has weak retinas, which means a higher risk of retinal detachment. he already suffered a retina detachment in one eye, meaning he can't really see with it ... so if things dont' go well.... yeah... lotsa things could change for our family. all that there's left to do is hope and pray i suppose....
i dont' know what to say about this summer... i guess i'm not liking it. it's so hard to keep in touch with people. IM is pretty unsatisfying... and i feel like i'm losing everyone i ever knew. *sigh* i hate feeling alone. and right now.... i am feeling quite alone.
Will // 5/22/2002 04:40:00 AM
Friday, May 17
so it's been a week since school officially ended for me. took my last final last thursday. slept only a few hours those last days of school. and even now, i'm beginning to forget it all. yeah, i know my memory stinks. but what makes my recollection of the past school year even worse is the fact that i was looking the other way while the year passed me by. some of you prolly know what i mean.
it seems so not very long ago since i started college. and before that, it wasn't so very long ago that i started thinking about college for the first time during senior year. and before that, it wasn't so long ago that i moved from one bubble in IL to another in holmdel, NJ. but the truth is, none of it feels real.
i've been meaning to sum up the past year in college, but now i realize i can't. i've heard people say that going to college was the most fun they've had. sure, i've had fun times since i've been there... but it just seems all too forgetable to me. no, i didnt' have a bad experience... it's not that. i enjoyed meeting new people and i liked learning new things. but i don't feel that i've really been changed. i keep trying to learn more, do more, and be more. but now i see that underneath it all, the harder i try, the more i stay the same.
i used to think that finally graduating high school and going to college would be an amazing achievement, a life-changing step. but it's not. i suppose i've been thoroughly disappointed. college is no bright pinnacle. all it is is yet another stepping stone on the way to a career, on the way to the "real world," and on the way to the future. right now, i just see it as yet another process we must undergo. of course there's some adage that says something like we hafta see not only the destination, but the journey. but i suppose i have my eyes fixed elsewhere.
i can't say i missed much though. my days felt like endless cycles of class, "playing" while putting off work, and then scrambling to study/do hwmk. my weeks consisted of getting behind throughout the course of the week, catching up on weekends, and the cycle begins the next monday... and if i'm unlucky, i'll have an exam or 2 to deal with, along with everything.
so what if i graduate college? so what if i find a good job? of course i'm aiming for those. but if one were to acheive those, would anyone be satisfied with only that? i think not...
and i don't know where i'm going with this. i guess i'm just saying i'm not so easily satisfied as before. or maybe i'm just deciding to stop pretending.
Will // 5/17/2002 05:41:00 PM
Thursday, May 9
wahoo... finals are done and over with. gosh, i'm so tired...
Will // 5/09/2002 01:10:00 PM
Wednesday, May 8
i'm lacking motivation right about now... kinda an inconvenient time, considering i'm in the middle of finals and all.
it's not like i'm not trying to study. but even during finals, i don't feel like i'm really there. i don't really feel stressed about finals... perhaps a little too carefree for my own good.
i guess my mind's just somewhere else these days. let me know if any of you see it running around somewhere.
Will // 5/08/2002 03:14:00 AM
Sunday, May 5
*sigh* what the hell is wrong with me? oh wait... don't answer cuz i know... everything. i'm starting to piss myself off even more than ever. perhaps i should stick in a disclaimer or a warning label so i won't get sued or anything.
WARNING: i'm feeling like crap, i'm thinking like crap, and i'm living like crap. if you can't tell already, this will be the mother of all rants because i feel like it. ok, maybe not the mother of all rants... but this will be a big one. i feel like complaining, therefore i will complain. those who are pregnant, prone to motion sickness, or under 4'11" should abstain from reading. if you start to feel like crap too, that's your own fault. i'm sorry.
anyways... moving on. i'm really hoping i'm having this bout of depressive emotions is due to the fact that this is finals week and that my freshman year of college is ending. but i already know i'm hoping in vain. the roots lie far deeper inside me than that. honestly, i doubt i truly care that this is finals week. and i doubt i truly care about the fact that school is ending, in itself. i probably feign these thoughts because it's what's "normal" for people to deal with at this time of year. but i dont' feel normal. it seems i am far from it...
why do i constantly feel like this? i feel so empty. i feel that something's missing in my life... or perhaps it is myself that is missing. is all i am just a collection of acts and plots put together for different audiences? many times, that's all i feel i am. all i am is a composite of what people expect of me and what people want of me. i am a conglomerate of other people's personalities, actions, and thoughts. all i do is try to emulate other people's abilities and talents according to what i want.. or rather, what i think other people want.
if people expect or think that i'm smart, then i'll try to be smart and try to learn random things. if people expect me to be creative or artistic, then i'll try to do what i feel other people will want to see. if people expect me to be talented, i'll try to pick up and try new activities. seems rather superficial right? well, i am. apparently, appearance is everything to me. or maybe it's just what i think other people think?
the people i hate the most are "fake" people. and i'm one of them. i guess it's true that many times, you are what you hate the most. i suppose it's because it's too much to constantly face your own faults in others, in addition to the ones within you. perhaps i am this way because i'm uncomfortable with who i am? but to be uncomfortable with myself, i would hafta know who this "self" is first. and i doubt i have found that. i have undergone multiple personality changes in the past few years. i have undergone many mindset and ideology conversions as well. not that anyone has known me long enough to notice...
i guess it's partially because i've been moving the past few years. but i'm not going to use that as an excuse for my changes. instead, i think they actually facilitate my experimentations at being a new person. "person" meaning a new facade... a costume change, if you will. and hey look... i have a fresh start in CA. i wonder how i will turn out this time... it seems i lose friends rather quickly. i'm horrible at keeping in touch. and i don't blame them for not trying to reach out... cuz, there really isn't much of me to hold on to. already, i'm losing touch with many of the people i've met this year. and it's only been a year. not even...
and i don't feel like i care enough.
gosh, days, weeks, and months are passing so quickly now... and i think i know why. i've managed to repress most of my memories, and i only remember what i want to remember... which isn't much. put those all together, and i'm left with only a fraction of the experiences and time that i've gone through. those small fractions of what i remember is all i have to measure time against. wasting time is what i do best. argh.. i should be studying, but i dont' feel the pressure of finals.
i suppose i won't fail any of them. but neither will i ace any of them at this rate. i'm only doing enough to "get by" and i'm not doing much of anything. i really hope i'm not doomed to a life of repetitious mediocrity. that's what i fear the most. being merely mediocre at everything would be a cruel fate... i don't want to be merely "decent" at many things but not excellent at anything. i would far rather be the best at one thing and horrible at other things.
but all this thinking and wishing will get me nowhere. i "know" what i should be thinking. and i "know" what i should be doing. but guess what? i'm not doing them. so i suppose that's my greatest fault: not acting on what i know. knowledge is worthless without action. and that's just pure ignorant arrogance.
so why the hell did i write all this about myself? i guess i'm assuming that very few people actually read this. i mean.. i doubt i'd have the patience to read this all. i guess writing is therapeutic and perhaps some random wandering reader will stumble across this and help me out of this hole. hm.. nah.
my life is a series of "to be continued..." episodes with an endless conflict between myself as both protagonist and antagonist, with no happy fairytale ending in sight.
note to self: remember to remove this blog when i'm feeling better, so i won't lose the few friends i still have.
Will // 5/05/2002 04:11:00 AM
Wednesday, May 1
so my finals start on monday. and i really hafta do well on them... and i just wasted today. well, wasted isn't the best word for it... i guess i just didn't really do any school-related stuff today. i went to half of my math class... which was a waste of time. i also went to my last small group of the year tonight.... which wasn't a waste of time. and... stupid winamp3 is getting really buggy.. i gtg reboot my comp. argh!