Wednesday, June 12
i need an analogy... hm. i feel like i'm at war with myself. every thought, every feeling, every belief i have is in conflict with another. even as i write this, i'm not so sure what's going to come out. i am certain of nothing. i don't know what to think. i can't claim to know anything anymore. i don't know what triggered this and i'm not sure when this started. i feel so dazed. what the heck... this is freaking me out.
so for the past few months, or for as long as i can remember, all my weeks/days are exactly the same as the previous ones. and with nothing to discern between them, i don't remember much of what happened. i guess it wasn't anything important. every freakin day is a drag. school... eh, it was just school. then the first couple weeks or whatever of summer, i sat around doing nothing. and now that i've been working for... a week now?... well, everything's the same. i guess work is keeping me occupied and i'm making money, but that's all still rather inconsequential.
so is there anything that does matter? i don't have an answer to that question. i doubt i can say "no" with absolute certainty.. but that's what i'm leaning towards. i mean nothing i do, school, work, whatever... none of that really means anything to me. sure, they're nice opportunities and all... but what does it matter?
so i've always thought that the only things that really matter are people, and building relationships with people. but now, it seems that i'm not even sure of that anymore. i guess i'm just starting to not care. trying to keep in touch, IMing, and whatever is seeming more and more like a burden or obligation. i'd prolly feel kinda bad if i stopped talking to people all together, but i'm sure i'd get over it. i think. ugh.. i dunno anymore. but right now, making/maintaining relationships doesn't seem to make sense to me. i would hafta give up so much of myself, make myself vulnerable for something that's so uncertain and unstable. i mean.. why should i bother? i've been losing ppl all my life....prolly the one thing i'm good at. logically, this sociable tendency of people doesn't make that much sense, right? but i guess ppl's emotions are what keeps them clinging to each other. so i suppose that's what is dying in me. every day it seems that i'm feeling more and more devoid of emotion. i think i'm all too close to becoming a sequestered hermit.
probably at some point in my recent past, i would say our faith or God matters. but as i think about what i see or have seen around me, i can no longer say that with complete conviction. i've heard many say christianity or religion is just a crutch for people to lean on. i wish i could say otherwise, but for most cases, i believe that's true. i know i shouldn't judge or assume, but i don't think i'm completely wrong... from what i've seen, it seems most ppl just go to church for their weekly or bi-weekly dose of spirituality. so as for recent experiences, i guess from the churches i've visited since i came to CA, i'm getting this overwhelming impression that their 45 minutes to 1 hour of service was centered more for the convenience of those who go. they're just a quick, entertaining weekend show before people recontinue their miserable, superficial lives. seeing this can't be good for someone like me... who learns primarily through personal observation. i guess that's one of my faults because that only gives a rather short-sighted view of reality. but that's just how i am i suppose.
or perhaps i'm just trying to make excuses to not care about anything because it's just easier that way. i can't really say for certain right now, but i wouldn't be surprised if that's what i've been subconsciously doing.
whatever... i kinda hope this feeling.. or absence of feeling is just temporary. if not, that would just suck. and that's not a life i would wanna be living.
Will // 6/12/2002 03:04:00 AM
Saturday, June 1
yeah, so i've probably remodeled this blog more often than i actually post in it. at least i've been somewhat writing in my xanga site. =P well, i guess it's just that much easier to post superficial stuff about events, etc. than it is to write down my thoughts. yeah, so i've tried to separate the focus of the 2 journal sites. xanga is more events-oriented (and also online quizzes =D ) while this blogger is supposed to be more about what i'm thinking. i suppose this isn't much less superficial from my perspective, considering i never tell the whole story...
anyways, i guess why i haven't been writing down my thoughts as much is because i haven't really been thinking anything. but that's not true. lots have been going through my head, but i'm not making a conscious effort to go through my thoughts, pull some out, and develop them further. so in this case, i just don't have much recollection of what i've been thinking.... and that's for the best, cuz i always think myself into a depression or something when i have too much time by myself. and right now, i have a LOT of time by myself. hm, interesting... i'm thinking through part of my thought process.
i won't have a lot of time by myself for much longer. starting monday, i'll have my first "real" job. none of this tutoring/teaching/checking hmwk or selling knives. as much as i do looooove selling knives... =P so i'll be working at this small startup called glaukos (not to be confused w/the greek sea god). and as the name suggests, they're a company that deals w/glaucoma. so basically, all 8 of them are developing this implant for glaucoma (primary open angle) patients that will help relieve pressure within the eye. hey, i'm more than 10% of the company. ; )
yeah... i'm kinda scared? well, not really. i think i'm just considering the possibilities of the near future... and it might be like this. right now, i'm gonna be working 35 hour weeks. that's quite close to the typical 40 hr. week that i might be faced with after college. i'm really having doubts that i can handle doing the same thing, for some 8+ hours a day, for the rest of my working days. i know it's not all about me... but i need some change, some excitement. it seems that my interests can vary rather rapidly, so i need to do different things to keep myself interested. well, it looks like i have 3, 4 years to grow up. and i guess that's what i'm scared of: will i be ready for the "real world"? and if i am, what does it matter?
i'm suspecting that this "real world" i perceive doesn't really exist, though. it seems that many people have this notion that we're all in protective bubbles throughout our educational journey, being prepared before being thrust out, ejected into the world. but what if this "real world" is really an even smaller, more limiting bubble? or what if we are merely creating bubbles for ourselves, hindered by our very limited vision? well, i'm sure that at least the latter is true.
so my thoughts are becoming more random and sporadic now. i think this is a good time to end. =P but for me, everything seems so surreal now. want to know what's been going through my head? i'm having dozens of different short-term and long-term scenarios of the future running through my head. *sigh* doesn't seem likely that i'll ever get what i want...
does this mean that i should stop hoping and dreaming?