Tuesday, January 21
back at school again. and today was the first day of classes... except i didn't have any. and the teachers didn't let us know. yea, i knew i should've stayed in my room.
anyways, not having any classes to occupy my time with, i've been thinking... and sometimes, i just wish things were different. and i wish i were different. well, i'm not exactly complaining... i realize i don't have a right to complain, nor will that change anything. i'm just... considering the alternate possibilities.
i guess situational things are more superficial... not much to ponder over. things are the way things are. and there really isn't anything i can do. stuff like... family situations, family's health, location, etc etc.
but personally... i think a lot about how i could be different... and how things would be better as a result. primarily, i need to change my goals. goals... meaning, life goal. the life goal being what i'm REALLY living for, and striving for. not what i say i am, not what i pretend i'm going for, and not what i want to be living for. what my real goal is at this very moment is pretty disturbing i think. and my pursuing of this goal is steadily and increasingly throwing my life into disarray.
now, i know what my life goal SHOULD be. i've known it all along. and i've read enough over this past winter break to confirm it in my mind, beyond a shadow of a doubt. but i guess the key word is "in my mind." it isn't in my heart. God isn't at the center of my heart. i can't honestly say i'm giving my all for God's glory because of my being sidetracked. the scary thing is... even my desire that God be my center might be tainted, because it is part of my pursuit of this other goal. so messed up... i'm so very messed up.
so i suppose it's fitting that i got the chance to read "the ragamuffin gospel" late sunday night. thank goodness it just happened to be lying on the table as i sat awake that night. it's reassuring in a way, because i know now (or i should say know better now) that even if i didn't have this.. challenge, i would still never be close to being right with God. i was in fact being rather arrogant and thinking too lowly of God in thinking that, "oh if only i didn't have this problem, all would be good." it was as if i were saying that God's grace isn't good enough for me now... that i must make myself better to be deserving of what he can give me, that changing this can actually buy or earn me more of God's favor. but no, God's grace is more than sufficient for me now.
so i'm just yet another beaten, poor, pitiful ragamuffin with a hopeless dream. but God's grace doesn't mean i can keep clutching to this goal of mine. i know i can't rid myself of it alone... but if God is everything he says he is, i know he can and will help me shoulder this burden. but for now, it's as if he's showing me how reliant i am, how needy i am... as if he's saying to me, "so if you can put all this thought, diligence, and effort into this misguided goal, just imagine if you put it in the right place.... "
Will // 1/21/2003 11:36:00 PM
Saturday, January 18
yao ming needs to upgrade those guns. but otherwise he's looking good.
so i just finished this book, "tuesdays with morrie" by mitch albom, that my mom told me to read. why she recommended this book.. i have no idea. so the background is that this student had this really good prof in college, and one day hears on the news that his former teacher is dying. and when he goes to visit, they end up talking and decide to have a final "class" together concerning the professor's life philosophies and views. and the final paper is this book. aww.. kinda touching right? unfortunately... i don't have much to say for the contents of this book.
i don't want to seem overly harsh nor judgemental... but to be blunt, the book was filled with misinformation. i can't say this book was useless... because it was interesting to see another person's views and thoughts, especially along the last stretch of their life. there were many a nice sounding adage, but no sound logic or reasoning backing them. plenty of feel-good sayings but no explanation nor support for his doctrine. it was noted that he was raised under judaism, but embraced buddhism and christianity.. a "religious mutt" with words that transcend all religious differences. hmm... now i have a big problem with that claim. pluralism, especially with religion, just doesn't work. most religions are clearly contradictory among their doctrine.
hm, i guess i should note that i'm reading "the case for christ" simultaneously... and i found it interesting that while both books are by award-winning journalists, their implications on life are radically different. granted, the purpose, immediate subject matter, and angle are totally different, but both books are ultimately addressing the all important question of what we're living for.
so as "the case for christ" was objective, "tuesdays with morrie" was very subjective. this professor, morrie, from this account, seemed to be a real people-pleaser, despite his urging to forget what culture says, to make your own culture that satisfies yourself. to say that you can ignore culture is completely nonsensical. culture defines what we do. culture makes up a lot of who we are. without culture, there would be no structure for society. without culture, every human that is born will need to create, on his own, the standards by which to interact with one another. culture is the foundation upon which we build ourselves.
to say that we can forget the culture around us and create our own sounds suspiciously relativistic. and relativism just doesn't logically make sense. it seems that this ideology of creating our own cultures is an attempt to be radical to gain attention.
i couldn't help but get the impression that this was a lonely man who just desperately wanted to be heard... not that this was any fault of his. this would be a natural reaction by all who knowingly approach death, i'm sure. but this is yet another of many contradictions... he still held the buddhist belief that one must detach from the world, detach from emotions. so where is this detachment amidst his longing for constant company?
it makes me sad to realize that there are probably many many people like this morrie... people who are lost in their own ideas and ideology, without being solidly grounded in truth. by nature, people are just ignorant... unfortunately.
as for me, there is much more i need to think about, and a whole lot more out there that i need to learn and know. but i am thankful that, by God's grace, i do know the meaning of this life. and i know i need to do more to spread his truth. but knowledge is just the first step... now going out there and acting on the knowledge... that's the hard part.
Will // 1/18/2003 03:34:00 AM
Tuesday, January 14
so i've been thinking... why are we, as humans, so dependant on other humans? why must we be such social beings? wouldn't it be so much easier if we were just self-dependant, or independent? i'm not saying this because i don't appreciate my family or friends. i care about them a lot. but given that i've been stuck here in california with nobody i know around me for 2 weeks, this dependant nature we have is proving to be much greater a liability.
i guess it's kinda silly for me to wonder about that, but having an excess of time sitting by myself always makes me question things i usually wouldn't question. i suppose i know why we are the way we are... it's just that i feel that in certain conditions (such as the present one for me), it'd be easier if people were different. or at least i wish i were different. i've noticed how my level of happiness is almost entirely dependant on my interactions with people. and most of the time, the "people" can be narrowed down to a select few.
yup, i think i'm all too easily influenced by others. i care too much about what people think of me. i guess that's good sometimes, cuz it kinda keeps me aware of what others want... but overall, i worry too much. maybe i need to build a bigger wall around myself. yeeah...
hm.. i've also been thinking about parents. this was inspired by a conversation about how funny parents can be. funny... cuz they do many of the same things we, as kids do. but giving that some thought, that's hardly surprising. as we get older, the age gap between us and our parents grows proportionally less and less. pretty soon, we ourselves are approaching the age of parenthood. but not only that... i think that people just don't change much. we are like how we were when we were little kids. we probably have similar values, similar personality characteristics, and similar thought processes... albeit we have more to draw upon now, hence we are the same but with more wisdom. the same can be said of parents relating to when they were our age as well.
so now, i'm beginning to see more and more what parents hafta go through. it doesn't necessarily mean i understand my parents more; but i do understand more of where they're coming from.
it's interesting how people age and mature... and i'm not talking physically. it's like people keep on adding layers of experience and time, yet their core, their shape remains the same. as people grow up, they are capable of drawing on more wisdom, yet their underlying identities remain unchanged. i guess an oversimplified analogy is that parents are super-smart kids.
hmm... now that's a scary thought.
Will // 1/14/2003 10:04:00 PM
Sunday, January 12
wow. so i just finished making my webpage. more or less.
prolly my most extensive effort ever. this webpage took me a whole freakin week to make!! and it took a couple hours per day. quite sad huh? all my past attempts only took 1 day to code and stuff. this is the mother of all [my] webpages. hopefully i'll be updating this, rather than letting it die off. after all, i put so much time into it.
yeah... i have too much time on my hands. but hey, there's nothing else for me to do in CA anyways. and i'm getting some reading done. and some bball. so hopefully it's alright.... although i must admit i've been getting rather obsessive over this project.
ok, anyway... i was skimming my old entries on this thing. and man... i couldn't help thinking "what's wrong with this kid? he sounds so bitter!" haha... well, i guess we all grow and learn more as we get older. and it's really interesting to look back and see how faithful God is. wowie...
hopefully by this time next year, i will have grown even more.